I could make wine with my vomit
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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