At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
