i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
