It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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