You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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