just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize