She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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