my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
