You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
