i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Less talking, more tequila
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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