look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
