The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
