a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
