I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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