I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
