either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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