I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
