On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
