I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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