What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
