Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
