At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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