I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
