I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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