hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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