I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
