You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
