if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
