Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize