I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
