atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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