Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
