I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
