I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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