Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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