It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
