Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
