Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
