I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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