If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize