genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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