Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
