got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
