she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
