I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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