I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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