Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
