On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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