he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
