i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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