How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize