Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
