at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
false alarm, still single
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
