The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
