Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
