I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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